choosing to be gentle

on anger, kindness & regret

there’s an arabic saying that i’ve recently stumbled across that says, ‘keep your heart clean like you’re expecting death.’ i’m not a religious person, far from it actually but something about this saying has me thinking about all the times my heart has been dirty. those rare moments where i’ve let the only emotion i know, anger, overtake the emotions i want to get to know, like kindness.

everything makes me angry. slow walkers, people chewing really loudly and those who drag their feet with every step they take. when my dad eats one of my snacks or when my mother critiques my hair. a large part of me doesn't want to hold onto this anger, to always have a negative reaction to things instead of trying to be like one of those girls who see the beauty of everything. the beauty of somebody getting to know a place when walking, the beauty of a person enjoying their food proudly or the beauty of somebody being so tired from exploring that they don’t want to lift their foot up with every step. the beauty of my dad sneakily stealing one of my snacks and then returning it with a million more. i want to be able to notice these small moments and react with kindness and care. however, a shameful part of me wants wants the anger to stick beside me because it’s all i’ve ever known. how can i let go of something that has nurtured me my whole life?

the issue with sticking so close to an emotion you’ve gotten to know your whole life is all the regret that comes with it. every time i’ve retaliated with an angry retort on something so minuscule, haunts me more than all the times i’ve let things go. ‘life’s too short to not let them know they’ve done something wrong’ or ‘life’s too short to harbour anger.’ whichever way i choose to go, the remorse follows me everywhere, but i’d much rather the remorse follow me for choosing to be kindhearted than to let the anger swallow me whole.

being on social media and everyone regurgitating ‘treat them like how they treated you,’ can easily sway a person to desire resentment. we all like to believe that we don’t let others or social media dictate our actions and responses but unfortunately we’re not all that healed yet. i’ve realised that the more time i spend on my phone, the more infuriated i become with the world. ignorance really is bliss because how can anyone expect me to harbour tenderness when all i witness around me is the opposite? the only emotion to ever make sense to me is anger, for the things that have been done to me when i was a just a young girl. for nobody being there to save me. for learning to rely on myself to see the sun in the moments where it was dark.

‘keep your heart clean like you’re expecting death.’ i want to keep my heart clean, not to enter heaven, but to make another person’s minute a bit more bearable in this world. whether my interaction with them is irrelevant to the rest of their day or not, i don’t deserve to allow the exasperation to make itself cosy within me. it’s up to me whether i nurture the rage and give it a home or, i kill most of it. leaving a fraction of it with me like a badge of honour, showcasing the fact that i took control of it and it did not possess my character entirely.

the world is so cruel, so unkind and rough in every corner. so, i choose to be gentle. every time, i will choose to be gentle.